Marriage... Commitment... Forever...

I won't lie... I'm scared of all that commitment... Marriage... Forever... Commitment... It's a lot of pressure. Which I won't lie, I'm not ready for. Although... I wouldn't mind it with my boyfriend. I won't lie, I feel safe with him. I feel like I would someday commit to that. But not yet. I'm not ready. I know everyone is talking about marriage and getting married and planning weddings... They all starting to talk about mine. Yes I end up freaking out all the time about it. How they wouldn't be surprised if I was the next in the office to get married or that they wouldn't be shocked if my boyfriend asked shortly after I graduated... I kind of like the idea. But I still get scared... It's a lot to think about now. But sometimes it's nice to think of...

We'll see what happens... And when...

Kiss Kiss Baby Doll!

Big Issues...

I have been writing this blog for over a year and I have kept it fairly clean. But I think that I have gotten old enough to start talking about grown up issues. Still being as professional or clean as possible.

Let's start with the overwhelming feeling of being unappreciated, unwanted, useless, and overwhelmed with problems. It seems as though lately everything has started to pile up around me. Between work and class, I don't have any extra time for me and I practically don't have time to sleep. It started to take a toll on my mental health. The other day my face actually was all red and swollen from stress and exhaustion.

And then there was Father's Day. I'm not sure if I have explained that my father had left us when I was about 15 and I haven't talked to the man since I was 17. (Thats about 5 years) Every Father's Day gets me. It seems to get harder and harder to deal with every year... I miss my father... I spent Father's Day with my grandparents and couldn't help but think of how long my grandfather would still be around... Thoughts went to how after he's gone, there is no one left for Father's Day...

It hit me hard on Sunday night... Monday, I was overly stressed and couldn't do anything about it. I hadn't seen my boyfriend since Saturday morning. I didn't like having to cry alone. And only wanted him to hold me... But since I had class Monday night he couldn't come over. I understood that and sucked it up Sunday and Monday... All day Tuesday I was anxious to see him... To have him hold me and make me feel safe again. Tuesday night I had to go with my girlfriend from work to the sight after work hours. So we decided to have dinner and the service ended up being slow and everything... By the time we were done and I was on my way home, the boyfriends parents had put a nix to my night plans with him. It did not seem like it was going to turn into a good night...

I won't give any specifics on what happened when I got home but there was a lot of crying... A lot of worrying... And a lot of me being scared... I ended up scaring the pants off my boyfriend... He showed me how retarded I was when he rushed over in the middle of the night to make sure I was okay... There are a lot of issues that went into the making of last night. I've learned that there is at least one person who cares enough about me to keep me around for good...

I need a Vacation...

Marriage for Love or Papers?

Ever since I was a kid I always thought that if two people were truly in love and willing to deal with eachother's imperfections than that was when they would get married. It seems like everyone is pairing up and getting engaged. Every where I turn someone is starting or already planning a wedding. I don't know if I understand why some of them are doing it though.

Some seem to be in love. And I think that's why they should be getting married. But then again... There are the few people who seem to be settling and there are the others who say marriage is only a piece of paper that lets you share health benefits. If it was only for the health benefits I would have found myself a securely employed older gentleman along time ago so that I could have had health benefits four years ago. And if I was only going to settle for whatever came along... Well I would have waited on an old boyfriend to finally pop the question... But I don't like those answers...

I mean I've had these questions before about how true love is and how you really know when you found it. Well those questions seem easy now that I found the answer to them. But this next part is a little tricky... Isn't marriage something sacred? Isn't it a commitment between a man and a women? "'til death do us part"? At least that's what I've thought...

I mean, yes, the entire ceremony of the wedding is all symbolization and tradition. But it's suppose to show everyone around the bride and groom, the people they both care the most about, the people that mean the most to their lives, that these two people mean the world to eachother. It's to share their happiness with everyone they care about. I've always thought that a wedding is one of the most beautiful happenings in a person's life... Maybe second to actually bringing a new life into the world and watching it grow... But the way two people join their separate lives together to make one new life is an astonishing event.

But that's only the wedding... What about the marriage itself? I mean is it just a paper to show that the two people share one health coverage? Is it just a way to say that if they ever get a divorce they have to split everything? But why does it have to end in divorce? Isn't that what the words "'til death do us part" mean? I guess those are questions that have not been answered since my father left my mother... Still... The sanctity of marriage has dropped to an all new low. I've never heard so many people talk about love and marriage as if they can be bought and sold and thrown away as soon as someone gets bored.

Maybe it's just because I've been hurt so many times that I wish something in life wasn't so easily pushed aside or thrown away as soon as life gets a little hard. But these questions have to be the same as my questions on love... I wouldn't settle for anything less than love... And I found it... So now I guess I'll just have to wait until the whole marriage thing means what it's suppose to, to all involved, whatever the meaning of it should be. Whatever is suppose to be will always find a way to be... I'll be patient... I know I'm not ready for any of that nonsense, I just feel bad for all the ones who are jumping into something they don't feel committed to making work...

The Boyfriend and The Mommy

So I took my boyfriend home with me about two weekends ago, for the holiday. It was the first time my mom and brother and boyfriend met each other. It was quite interesting to see the interaction.

I didn’t really feel like hearing all the drama that would lead up to the visit so I left our visit as a surprise to my mom. Of course I told my brother that we were coming over for the weekend so that I could make sure that at least one person would be around when we got to the house.

Well to get to the point… My mother actually liked him… And my brother really liked him. My brother even made the comment, “He’s much better than the last one. Best one you got so far.”

My boyfriend did so well over the weekend. He was on his best brownie pointing behavior all weekend. He was perfect!

I think this one’s a keeper!

Work is So NOT Fun at the Moment

So there's a little office nonsense that is now starting up at work... As if there's not enough retartedness already going on.

My office is of course on edge with all the layoffs we've had. So everyone has been trying to shine in front of the new boss. Well now people are tending to step on other people's toes... Namely mine...

One of my girlfriends at work is trying to fight me for one of the jobs the office is working on. The thing I don't understand is the fact that I have an engineering background and she is an architect. We wouldn't even be working on the same things. But she consistently keeps me out of the loop. The thing is that I am closer to the project she is working on. Therefore the boss has tried to keep me as much in the loop as possible. Using me as a connection. Yet she doesn’t exactly like that idea. I don’t know if she does it on purpose but she definitely is trying her best to out shine me.

I think she shoot herself in the foot when she talked the boss into moving her to right outside his office. I’m not going to lie; she can become quite annoying at times. Yet she does good to keep herself out of the spot light and me in it.

I have been told, “People are talking”, I “talk too loud”, and “spend too much time away from my desk”. I was told this shortly after one of the guys came back from lunch with her and one of the other girls. This morning she had come over and told me that she could hear my laugh from the other side of the office. So I think it would be safe to assume that “people” are mostly her…

This drives me a bit up the wall considering, her job is fairly safe. The boss likes her and the work she does. I, on the other hand, do not have a fairly safe position in the office. The boss already seems to not like having me in his department for the sole reason I am an engineer, not an architect. And because I am a girl (It tends to become a boy’s club in our office from time to time).

It just makes me so upset that no matter how much work you produce there is always a doubt that you’re even working. And that no matter how good a friend someone seems to be there is always the chance that they will send you down the river if they need to just so they can get a little ahead…

It all comes back in the end…

Friends, Family, and Love

I've started to understand why friends who seem so close end up drifting so far apart... there are friends who are just friends who will always just be friends and then there are the friends who are so close and who have always been there who become part of the family. They are no longer friends but are considered family. They are even invited to family get together's and are treated as part of the pack. and there is a third kind of friend who starts off as a friend but transits across both the friend boundary as well as the family boundary into love... this is the friend we start our own family with.

But back to my original statement... Friends may seem closer than anything yet can still drift far apart. It could be because one has hurt the other past the point of healing or it could be due to one friend asking too much of another. I’ve had these happen to a few of my friends. But the one that no one usually notices or takes into consideration is the one exception to the rule... when one friend's in trouble but the other one does not notice. I know I try to keep in touch and pick up on when one of my friends are feeling depressed or tired of life... but a lot of times my friends will not notice when I feel like that. I've always been the strong one who has been through it all and puts on the face that I'm always ok. Well here's the truth... I'm just like everyone else... I get hurt too...

It's not fair to ask me to be there for everyone else when there's no one there for me. I can understand all your problems because I’ve had to deal with them all before. But to think that just because I say I understand doesn't mean I’m ok with it. I’m frustrated, tired, depressed, and I just do not feel good... can't everyone just leave me alone?

And then when I fall through to be there one time or I asked for a night off from being strong for everyone else, it always seems like someone gets mad at me. I end up disappointing someone all the time.

Everyone always looks at all the stuff they do for people and then only see what everyone else does not do for other people. How often does anyone really go out of his way for a friend? it's always when it's convenient for them... well here I go... if you don't go out of your way for people, people will not go out of their way for you. So deal with it!

I’m not about to kill myself for people who don't even notice when I’m not there... and wouldn't care if I wasn't in their life at all... don't make someone a priority when your only an option to them...

Respect my Boundaries... Please

It seems that I tend to be one of the very few people left that have boundaries. Lines that cannot be crossed... And when other people cross my boundaries they tend to get mad at me for getting upset. It's a very strange concept in my mind.

But then again it's not just me who feels this way. For example at work a little while back we have some issues with harassment. But when the girl went to confront it, the guy who had crossed a line thought she was just over reacting to the problem.

Why is it that people only see what they want to see... Why is it that they are never wrong... And the reason behind everything is such a stupid reason such as 'you're just a girl' or 'he was just copping a feel'

There are definite reasons behind the fact that I do not like being touched... No one needs to know why and may never get close enough to figure me out. But I'm only asking for a little respect... 'Back off!'